


Mum

by carpethefanfics



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Death, F/M, Friendship, Grief, Kindness, Love, Pain, Sad, Support, Wolfstar side pairing, care, jily
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-28
Updated: 2017-04-28
Packaged: 2018-10-24 20:20:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10749102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carpethefanfics/pseuds/carpethefanfics
Summary: "He curled his fingers deeply into his palms. He was digging his nails painfully hard into his skin. It was the only thing he could think of to derail his messy thoughts."





	Mum

**Author's Note:**

> It’s hard to lose someone …  
> Hard to watch someone you love feeling that loss, that grief …
> 
> Enjoy.

  * He had flattened his palm against his thigh to smooth the creases out of his uniform pants
  * His eyes were intensely focused on the curve of his fingers, on the hangnail around his thumbnail, on the way his hand just wouldn’t stop trembling
  * He flexed it and dug his nails further into his thigh
  * His eyes felt so incredibly strained now, so incredibly dry
  * But he couldn’t stop the shaking no matter how desperately he tried
  * If he could just focus on something else, anything else, he would be okay
  * It would be okay. 
  * But he couldn’t and the words were just ringing so goddamn loudly in his ears that his whole head felt light
  * _Gone, gone, gone._
  * _Gone, gone, gone._
  * He curled his fingers deeply into his palms
  * He was digging his nails painfully hard into his skin
  * It was the only thing he could think of to derail his messy thoughts. 
  * The only way to think of something else. 
  * _Merlin_ , he wanted to be anywhere but here. 
  * Wanted to go back in time and run so far that he would never hear those words again. 
  * But here he was, sitting in this ridiculously uncomfortable chair in this poorly lit office hearing nothing but her words over and over and over and over again. 
  * And they hit him like a tidal wave every time they rang
  * _Oh god._
  * _She was gone._
  * _She was gone._
  * He could feel his heart rate picking up
  * It was slamming into the wall of his chest so hard that the air in his lungs had practically disappeared. 
  * He was clutching at his heart now, his shirt felt too tight, his chest felt too tight. 
  * _Oh god_ and now his vision was blurry, his mind was spinning
  * _This can’t be happening_. 
  * His entire body felt numb to the world around him. 
  * _Why did she have to go?_
  * _How could she leave him?_
  * _Leave them?_
  * It was like everything had begun to slow.
  * Was Sirius the one who had clasped their hand harshly onto his shoulder? 
  * Maybe he had hit his head off McGonagall’s desk? 
  * Maybe this was just a dream and he would wake up and the world would be what it was before?
  * “James! James! Come on Jamie answer me please!”
  * The voice calling his name sounded so broken.
  * Every word sputtered out between sobs.
  * Like whoever it was had been crying so hard the words could barely escape their throat.
  * There was so much pain there.
  * Yet he felt nothing.
  * His body felt cold, his skin numb.
  * Their voice just echoing in his ears now
  * Sirius?
  * They were holding onto him, their arms wrapped tightly around him, his forehead pressed into their chest.
  * He was shaking too.
  * James could feel the sobs racking Sirius’ body so harshly and with each sob Sirius’ arms wrapped more tightly around him.
  * It was like Sirius was trying to hold James together, hold himself together
  * And he wanted that, he wanted so badly to feel that because at least it would be something.
  * He didn’t want this hollow ache that filled him.
  * He hated this nothingness that ran through his bones.
  * It was like there was no darkness, like there was no light
  * There was just nothing.
  * _Mum …_



* * *

  * She was twirling a lock of her dark red tresses around her slender finger while she stared blankly at the parchment before her and tapped the desk with her quill.
  * It had been almost three hours since she had holed herself up in the library
  * Three hours of uninterrupted silence
  * And it was completely throwing her. 
  * _Where was he?_
  * Usually by the first hour a certain Head Boy had found her, the first five minutes in his presence her heart was thumping and her muffled laughter was ringing in her ears.
  * It was what they did, wistful banter and not so subtle flirtation
  * But he was no where to be found.
  * It was curious actually.
  * He hadn’t been in a few of their classes earlier that day either.
  * She had tried to find one of the Marauders to ask
  * To make sure he would be attending the Prefect meeting but the whole lot of them seemed to have taken the day off. 
  * She had waited for what felt like hours in the Gryffindor common room
  * She was expecting to see him 
  * Expecting to find him surrounded by a collection of sweets and Butterbeer
  * Expecting to see him with his head thrown back laughing.
  * She had been preparing to yell at him the whole way up, to curse Dumbledore for making him Head Boy and then grab a handful of jellybeans as her tax.
  * But he wasn’t there.
  * And neither were the rest of them.
  * So she had left for the library determined to let thoughts of James Potter disappear from her mind and get some actual work done.
  * Clearly that plan was working well.
  * She dropped the quill on the table and leaned back into her chair.
  * She stretched her legs and rolled her shoulders back in preparation for lugging all her belongings back to her dorm.
  * As she walked passed the rows and rows of tables that lined the library she briefly overheard a shushed conversation 
  * “Yeah apparently Black didn’t even flinch.”
  * “Even when he added the part about his brother?”
  * “Yeah, he just kept walking, didn’t move a damn muscle.”
  * “What did Potter do?”
  * “He wasn’t with Potter. No idea why.”
  * Sirius without James?
  * _What the hell was going on?_
  * It was strange to hear that Sirius had avoided confrontation with the few people he always looked forward to putting in their place.
  * He actively attempted to aggravate the rest of the Slytherins by shoving his ‘blood traitor’ behaviour in their faces
  * Always wanted to have the gossip of his abhorrence get back to his wicked mother.
  * But to be without James?
  * Well at this point in their Hogwarts careers that was practically unheard of.
  * By the time she had got back to the common room she was starting to feel overwhelmed by the lump of worry growing in the pit of her stomach.
  * Why were they being so weird?
  * And why hadn’t she seen him all day?
  * It was very unlike James Potter to miss an opportunity to pester Lily Evans, the whole school knew that.
  * Lily had even grow accustomed to expecting it.
  * Hoped for it even
  * Don’t tell the tosser but did have a sense of humor … sometimes. 
  * She couldn’t help herself
  * Now that his head deflated slightly it was nice to have him around.
  * Bloody hell, she found herself pester free for almost one full day and she missed it.
  * Missed _him_.
  * She shook her head as she entered the portrait hole, it was bad enough that she couldn’t get away from him in school but now she couldn’t get away from him in her own head.
  * _Bloody feelings._
  * _Bloody James bloody Potter._
  * She turned the corner of the common room, sighing heavily at the war raging in her head, when she saw two of the four Marauders sprawled out on the couch before the fire.
  * Sirius had a rather dark expression on his face, the bags under his eyes heavy, the mischievous glint that always seemed to be in his eyes gone.
  * Remus, with his eyebrows furrowed, appeared almost as worried as she felt.
  * His eyes were fixed on Sirius; it was as if he was holding his breath absolutely terrified of his own movements.
  * It was like Sirius had become glass.
  * With no one else around, considering the late hour, she decided it was time to figure out what in Merlin’s name was going on.
  * “Remus, Sirius.”
  * She smiled softly as their heads spun to see her. 
  * Sirius’ usual charming aura was completely clouded, a darkness seemed to fall over him, a heaviness.
  * But it didn’t stop him from attempting a painstaking grimace, “Evans. Been studying?”
  * Lily adjusted her bag on her shoulder and tightened the grip at his emotionless tone, “What gave it away?”
  * Remus meekly grinned at her sarcasm, “Overworking yourself.”
  * Lily smiled and took a seat before the fire in front of the young men, “Just determined to give you a run for your money. We’ll see who has more O’s by the end of these OWLs.”
  * Sirius released a sound that almost, almost sounded like a laugh, “We both know Remus will Evans, can’t beat us all.”
  * His eyes still transfixed on the fire as it licked the stone. 
  * Lily fidgeted with the hem of her skirt but kept the smile gently plastered on her face
  * “I may just come ‘round yet what with all the time I had today, Potter seems to have disappeared leaving me nothing to do but work.”
  * She kept her emerald eyes on them as she spoke, she could see Sirius’ jaw twitch and Remus’ fingers curl into his palm so she continued
  * “I should thank him, finished my homework early for once.”
  * Sirius unclenched his jaw just enough to speak, “I’ll pass the message along.”
  * Lily smirked, “Think it’s best I do it myself. Wouldn’t want to miss the look of shock.” 
  * Remus continued to fiddle with his long fingers as she stared at them,
  * She wondering what they would say next to keep the information on James’ at bay.
  * Both of them seemed so dark, so tense
  * And Lily felt the pit of worry growing in her stomach. 
  * “Where is he?”
  * Her voice came out soft, meek, more worried than she had hoped it would.
  * She felt her concern resting on her shoulders, the weight nearly as heavy as her book bag, as her fingers continued to flatten out the pleats that ran down her skirt.
  * Sirius and Remus seemed to catch each others eyes before deciding what to say
  * Lily could feel the unspoken words passing between them.
  * “Upstairs.” 
  * Lily could see Sirius chewing on the inside of his cheek, his eyes fixed on the fire in front of them and Remus’ eyes fixed on Sirius.
  * “Think he would mind if I went up?” 
  * Sirius’ eyebrows arched slightly at her words, “I think he would slap me if I said anything but yes Evans.”
  * There it was, the witty come backs she had been missing.
  * Although the darkness still crossed his eyes she could see that it was merely a mist, nothing incurable had come over the Marauders.
  * She stood from her spot on the floor and hitched her bag back up on her shoulder.
  * She took a step forward and paused, their eyes darting to her frozen frame.
  * She looked up, her bottom lip caught between her teeth
  * “I’m here if you need anything, you two know that right?”
  * She had wanted to keep it light hearted, respond with her own witty banter and leave it at that but she couldn’t.
  * Something about the mysterious behaviour and dark gray cloud hanging over them made her heart swell.
  * She saw the familiar but faint light twinkle in Sirius’ eyes
  * “Don’t say it too loud Evans, don’t want to make James jealous.”
  * Remus released a soft yet melancholic laugh, “Thanks Lily.”
  * Her smile grew at their lightheartedness and she turned towards the stairwell.
  * She followed the familiar path towards the Head Dorms but instead of turning left to her own room she hung a right.
  * She brought her fist up to the door but stopped just before knocking, she didn’t want to take the chance he would turn her away.
  * The pit in her stomach wouldn’t stop growing if she didn’t get an answer.
  * So she moved her fingers down to the doorknob and gave it a slight push, it wasn’t even locked.
  * As she entered the darkened room she could faintly see the four poster bed with a rather large blanket covered mound in the middle.
  * The curtain hadn’t been shut so the moonlight shone brightly and illuminated the room in a faint silver glow. 
  * She pushed herself to move inward, dropped her heavy bag onto the floor gently and closed the door behind her.
  * She carefully padded through layers of clothes James had obviously strewn across the floor and Quidditch equipment that hadn’t been touched in days.
  * She made her way to the bed where she could see a mess of black hair and a pair of closed eyes just peeking out.
  * She eased herself to sit next to the heavy breathing mass that was James Potter and couldn’t help but run the back of her fingers down the side of his face.
  * He didn’t feel warm to her touch but the in the glow of the moonlight the puffiness of his eyes was concerning.
  * “I told you to go Padfoot.”
  * The muffled noise that came from his mouth beneath the blankets was harsh
  * “Good thing I’m not Padfoot then.”
  * His deep brown eyes fluttered open and scrunched at her, “Evans?”
  * She continued her smile and leaned forward to grab his glasses from the bed side table, “Even blind you can see me?” 
  * She kinked her eyebrow and gently slid the glasses on his face.
  * The moon highlighted the dark purple bags under his eyes and the paleness of his usually warm, dark skin. 
  * “What are you doing here?”
  * Lily kept her hand on the side of his face as he slowly shimmied out of the blankets so that his face was exposed
  * “Well I was trying to get some work done in the library but I found it rather hard to concentrate. All I could think of was where the bloody hell you were and why you weren’t there torturing me?”
  * She had expected his usual butterfly-inducing smile to grace his lips but instead he gave a weak smirk
  * “You’re going to make me think you miss me if you keep on like that.”
  * She ran her fingers up to tousle his messy nest of hair, “What if I did?” 
  * There the smile was
  * It was weak and small but the butterflies in her stomach tumbled none the less.
  * “Why have you been holed up in here?” 
  * With her question the smile was gone and that black cloud that she had seen over Sirius seemed to appear over James.
  * “Rough day.”
  * Lily’s smile turned into a frown as she furrowed eyebrows, “I think it’s a little more than that. I haven’t seen you all day.”
  * James lips tweaked feebly at the corner, “Keeping tabs on me?”
  * She kept her gaze focused on the disheartening look in eyes, “I know you well enough to know when something’s wrong.”
  * Her voice had grown quieter towards the end of her sentence and she could see him clenching his jaw just as Sirius had only moments before.
  * He seemed to notice her worried expression and forced a grin, “No need to worry, I’ll be back to bothering you before you know it.”
  * Lily moved her hand down to flatten against his cheek, “James?”
  * He rustled from the blankets the placed his hand over hers, “Really.”
  * Lily could see his eyes glazing over and his throat tightening, he wanted to tell her but it didn’t seem like he could.
  * She let her smile grow warm and gentle again, “I .. I’m here you know. If you need anything. We’re friends right? Friends help you when you need it.”
  * She watched him close his eyes as the tears started and she moved her other hand to the other side of his face to wipe them.
  * His lips were pulled into a straight line
  * He seemed to be strained for words.
  * Lily moved closer to him, she could feel his waist against her side through the blankets
  * “You don’t have to tell me. Just-just let me help you.”
  * She could feel his body trembling.
  * His jaw gritted so tightly
  * It was like if he was trying somehow contain the feelings rushing through him.
  * Lily didn’t know what to do, she kept swiping her thumb under his eyes to wipe the tears.
  * She wanted to show him that she meant what she said.
  * That she was here, that she always would be
  * So she wrapped her hands around the edge of the comforter and pulled it back every so slightly.
  * James had barely moved as she slid in beside him.
  * His body felt cold, everything shaking and the sobs he had been holding in his tightening chest were slipping through his lips. 
  * As she moved in next to him he could feel her arms around him
  * She was holding him tightly against her under the covers.
  * They were both enveloped in the blankets and warmth of his bed pressed so comfortably against one another.
  * Her exposed legs intertwined with his and her face was pressed into the crook of his neck.
  * She could feel his hands move ever so slightly to wrap around her so she pulled back slightly, resting her hands against his chest as leverage to look at him.
  * His eyes were still shut tightly, the tears newly gracing his cheeks and his body still faintly shaking.
  * She moved one of her hands up to brush at the tear against his cheek and pressed soft kiss to his temple
  * “Take all the time you need.”
  * As she pulled back from the kiss his eyes fluttered open.
  * “My mom.”
  * His voice was hoarse, she could hear the tremors and feel his hands tighten on her as she spoke.
  * She stayed steady in her actions, trying to reassure him that it was okay, she was here.
  * Her hand on his chest fiddled with the fabric and her fingers on his face had her thumb softly rubbing small circles on his cheek. 
  * “She-she … And now she’s-she’s …”
  * Lily didn’t need to hear the last words to know what was wrong and she was sure James couldn’t utter them yet.
  * She pulled him into her, his face finding the crook of her neck this time and his sobs being pressed into her collarbone.
  * He was still shaking as she wrapped her arms around him and began rubbing his back.
  * She could feel the tears dotting her skin
  * His legs were still wrapped around her and she was trying to soothe him with the warmth of her body and the gentle hum of her voice.
  * She didn’t have many words for him, only the things she had wished someone had said when she too had lost her parents the year before. 
  * She could feel the tears falling from her own eyes as she thought of the pain he must be feeling.
  * Of the pain she too often felt
  * But she pushed on
  * Her tears falling as she whispered in his ear
  * Reminding him of memories he shared with his parents, of their brimming pride and insurmountable love.
  * Of his friends, his best friends who would always be here
  * Who would always love him
  * Of her
  * Of this friendship they had
  * Of how much she had come to appreciate his kind heart
  * The softer she spoke, the longer she spoke, the more relaxed he became.
  * His body slowed in its tremors
  * The dampness along her collarbone dried
  * And his grip slowly felt like a warm hug rather than someone clinging on for dear life.
  * They laid like that under the warmth of his covers for a while once he had completely stopped shaking.
  * Lily continued rubbing her palms into his back and was lulled into a trance by the rhythmic feel of James’ heart beat against her own. 
  * Before she knew it she could hear faint chirping around her and feel warm sunlight shining against her cheek.
  * As her eyes fluttered open she realized she was still in James’ room and still being tightly held in his grasp.
  * His breathing was faint on her neck and his heart beat had slowed, it beat in time with hers almost perfectly.
  * She focused on the placement of his arms wrapped around his waist, his legs still tightly around her
  * She could feel a blush creeping up her cheeks and the butterflies in her stomach came back.
  * She felt him stir under her as she began tracing her fingers gently along his back.
  * She could feel his eyelashes flutter against her skin and couldn’t stop herself from laughing.
  * “James that tickles.”
  * He raised his head slightly and then, obviously realizing their positioning, snuggled back against her.
  * “Thank you,” she could hear him softly murmur into her skin.
  * “Thank you”



**Author's Note:**

> http://carpethefanfics.tumblr.com/post/153836329032/mum


End file.
